For some reason, some of you Facebook-havin’ folk seem to want to annoy the hell out of me. You invite me to groups, poke the hell out of me and generally make my electronic life very aggravating.
But, since there are some Facebook users that have resigned themselves to making boring, plain Facebook profiles that don’t completely annoy every unfortunate soul to set eyes on them, here are some tips for making a Facebook profile as terrifyingly stupid as is humanly possible.
1. Install every Facebook application that exists. What’s that? You just got invited to join Speed Date on Facebook? Can’t pass up that opportunity, you might meet someone. What? There’s an Oregon Trail application? You played that video game once, and you rather enjoyed it. Better install it. You can make room for it next to your Ninjas Vs. Pirates application, which is in between the Werewolves Vs. Vampires application and the Astronauts Vs. Mormons application (note: this last one is fake, but would actually be kind of awesome). The point is, you should be filling up your profile with as many apps as you can, because it’s important for a profile to take forever to load and to be confusing and awful to look at.
2. Have deeply personal conversations using the Facebook wall. It’s not like anyone else can see it, right? Go ahead, tell your ex that he’s a scum bag. The scum bag should know. And let him post back about the time you made out with the cashier at Long John Silvers and ended up with an STD that was thought to be scientifically impossible, it’s not like the company you’re interviewing at tomorrow is going to check out Facebook, right?
3. Make an event about your stolen/lost/broken cell phone. Invite me to it, so that I can send you my number. I mean, you didn’t have my number originally, you actually found my Facebook Profile because we’d went to middle school together and I haven’t talked to you in twenty years, but you might as well invite me, because dammit, you wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity like that.
4. Pick a picture that doesn’t show your face. After all, it’s not like the website’s called Facebook, so feel free to fill your profile with pictures of random celebrities, minor historical occurrences, and pictures of pancakes. You’re doing some amazing work. The Internet is now a better place.
What annoying aspects of Facebook have you noticed? Post in the comments section below.