Professional wrestling is entertaining and retarded, in a profound way that I can’t even understand while I’m high. It seems like a perfect metaphor for America; big, sweaty men pounding each other down while screaming the aspects of their basic personalities, everything fake yet everyone attempting to believe that it’s real. It’s not intelligent television unless you view it as an intellectual. And, c’mon, who really wants to do that?
Here are four completely stupid things about professional wrestling that I find incredibly entertaining.
1. There’s always a camera in the locker room, but everyone is always completely oblivious to it. On one hand, I guess it makes sense that you’d eventually get used to cameras being everywhere. On the other hand, that’s totally bullshit. Wouldn’t you remember? I would, unless I was wearing a wrestling mask without eye holes, then I’d just run into stuff until I stopped moving. But that’s why I write articles while The Rock makes the big bucks arching his eyebrows and always looking like he’s taking an uncomfortable bowel movement.
2. They’ve got their own completely stupid jargon for everything. Pro wrestling fans say kayfabe instead of fake, and they say face instead of hero and heel instead of villain. Why? Because it makes pro wrestling seem more like a sport, that’s why. Or maybe because if you use lingo, people might not pick up on the fact that you’re talking about professional wrestling and you’re completely serious about it.
3. If the referees were real, they would be worse at their jobs than I am. Referees in pro wrestling never seem to figure out that while they’re looking away at a wrestler who’s breaking a very minor rule, that wrestler’s tag team partner is going to town on his opponent with a lead pipe. They get in the way of a hell of a lot of punches, too, making pro wrestling the second most dangerous occupation behind “cat-raptor ninja dog trainer”.
4. Conversely, if wrestling were real, the sound engineers would be better at their jobs than anybody. They know to play a wrestler’s theme when he runs out at the last second to help his buddy, who was suddenly jumped by the bad guys. In fact, somehow the sound guy new a few seconds before the hero ran out…and that pyrotechnics guy is pretty good with the fireworks…and the lighting guy must really be on the ball if he can turn off the lights in the whole arena every time the Undertaker goes to the bathroom. Come to think of it, the entirety of the wrestling profession must be manned by the most skilled engineers in the history of human ability.
How is professional wrestling retarded to you? Let us know in the kayfabe comments section below.