Bitter over a recent break-up? Want to make sure she never wants you back? This Valentine’s Day – or any day of the year – try these eight proven alienation tactics to make sure your separation is a permanent one.
Alienation Tactic #1: Date her sister. Nothing says betrayal like hitting the town with someone close to her heart. If you really want to get creative, date her brother. Shock value scores extra points, after all, and little would be more stunning than seeing her ex on the arm of her baby bro at a family dinner. For even more points, wear something you know she’d find just so hawt. And flex. A lot.
Alienation Tactic #2: Publically refer to your time together as ‘the modern dark ages’. Wear dark robes and complain as often as possible while dragging heavy chains across your apartment floor. Bonus points if she happens to live in the unit below yours. More bonus points if you do it at 2 a.m..
Alienation Tactic #3: Sue for custody of Snuggles, your poodle. So what if you never liked the stinky old dog? You can always learn to love her. Or you could give her to your dad. He could use a new best friend since your mom kicked him out.
Alienation Tactic #4: When hanging out with mutual friends, refer to her as ‘that old chick’. Or, call her Bambi, Tess, Olga, Anya, or any name that isn’t actually hers. It’s all about mind games, right?
Alienation Tactic #5: Go to a chick flick and cry. And she complained that you were insensitive! Bring a big box of tissues and a bottle of eyedrops, just in case you can’t produce the real thing. Just make sure she or someone she knows can hear your performance, lest your efforts go wasted. Bonus points for attracting the attention of someone new and sympathetic while you’re at it.
Alienation Tactic #6: Take up yoga, salsa dancing, jogging, painting, or any other activity you’d doggedly refused to try while you were together. Decide you love it. Make sure her best friend sees you going to and from your classes.
Alienation Tactic #7: Call her mother. Spend half an hour telling her what you really think of her and her quasi-inbred family. Bonus points for doing it while drunk. Negative points for doing it if she has a large brother or cousin, or if her dad is ex-military. Also note that this is incompatible with option #1. Repeat: Do NOT mix with #1.
Alienation Tactic #8: Create a blog. Come up with a clever title and write about your time together. All of your time together. Include photos. Just make sure you blot out her face. For bonus points, come up with a creative name for her and use it in place of her actual name. If you’re feeling creatively challenged, try using ‘What’sherface’, the aforementioned ‘the old chick’ or ‘BattleAxe’. Make sure email updates go out to friends and enjoy.
Although it’s fun to dream of ways to get even with your ex-girlfriend, you’re a jerk if you do any of these things. Grab a beer and hang out with the guys instead. The desire to get even will fade as your broken heart heals.