I was recently asked a question that I felt was a bit silly. If you have to choose one, would you rather go a year without chocolate or a year without sex?
Are you kidding me? Sex all the way. No man could possibly satisfy me like my twelve inch, pink wonder toy. But chocolate. You will have to scrape the melted bar from my hand when I am dead. I am not giving it up! Chocolate is my life source. There are foods I will never give up and chocolate falls one step behind coffee. A good dark chocolate bar from Trader Joe’s is a mere $2… maybe it’s three. Who’s counting. One small nibble of that a day will keep me going. Yes, I know. I hardly ever eat just one little nibble. And who can blame me? Chocolate is high in antioxidants, is an antidepressant and goes great with coffee. You couldn’t get me to stop eating chocolate is you gave me a million dollars. Actually, let me think on that. Do I get a lump sum or will it be dished out once a year, like sex to a married couple?
Sex on the other hand has been greatly unfulfilled so far. I enjoy sex with myself more than anyone else. Over the last 14 years sex has gone from fin and experimental to a once a year gift out of pity. Gee, thanks. I get more excited eating chocolate these days than I do waiting for that 10 minutes a year. Plus, sex leads to things likeSTD’s and children. Who wants that? Not me! I already have the children and I DON’T want to get a flaming case of Sephagonnaherpaids.
Sex it like yard work to me. Seriously. Think about it for a second. You have to keep the lawn mowed. You go and get so hot and sweaty that you wish you could strip naked. Only in sex you actually do. You work and toil and grunt and groan and in the end, you’re tired. The lawn looks the same as before and there really is no satisfaction after all that and your muscles hurt for nothing. Wee. No thank you to having sex. It’s not like I get any now anyway.
I will gleefully take my Better than Sex Chocolate Cake. It’s a little something I invented, I think. I was making a chocolate pudding cake when something went terribly wrong. So I went with it.
You will need:
3 boxes of Kraft hot fudge chocolate pudding, a box of fudge chocolate cake, a small tub of whip cream, Hershey’s special dark chocolate candy bar and Hershey’s chocolate syrup. If you can find the special dark syrup, even better.
Bake the cake according to the directions on the box. While it cooks lick the bowl clean. It’s chocolate. You don’t just wash that down the drain!
Eat 1/4 of the Hershey’s special dark chocolate candy bar while waiting for the cake to cook.
When the cake is done, while it is still hot mix 2 pudding packets with milk according to the package directions. Then pour it over the cake. Mix it all together really good. Don’t eat it yet! At this point it is going to look like liquid viral poop. It’s okay. Just eat 1/4 of your Hershey’s special dark chocolate bar, it’ll be okay. Put the pan in the fridge.
Take the whip cream and slowly add the 3rd box of pudding powder into the tub. Mix slowly with a fork. DO NOT use beaters for this or you will end up with chocolate concrete. Mix slowly and you will end up with chocolate whip cream. The store bought chocolate whip cream will NOT work for this. Don’t eat it. Eat 1/4 of your Hershey’s special dark chocolate bar instead.
After the cake has cooled some, take it out of the fridge and spread the cool whip on top. I would say evenly but I usually have one side heaping and the other not so much. Now, drizzle with the Hershey’s syrup, pour some Hershey’s Syrup in your coffee, put the cake back in the fridge. Go sit down with what is left your Hershey’s Special dark chocolate bar. Drink chocolate coffee, eat chocolate bar and lick the chocolate whip cream remains out of the container. What? You thought I was going to add the chocolate bar on top? Well, you can if you want but mine never lasts that long.
After the cake has set, scoop it out into cute little wine cups for everyone. Take the rest of the pan to the your room, lock yourself in it and enjoy!
Try that and tell me you would give up chocolate for a year! Now if you’ll excuse me, my cake is ready!