For whatever the reason and there is no need for anyone to pry, you loathe this holiday of love and romance and need some anti-Valentine’s Day activities to get you through this deplorable day. I offer the following five tips to aide you in displaying the utmost contempt and mockery for Valentine’s Day, as well as thoughtful ways to sneer at this out of control celebration.
These tips, lovingly provided by a few of my friends who share your disgust and anguish, are sure to put the thrill and ecstasy back into this pathetic day you see as sickening gaga. Surely, you can find something here, which will turn this unpardonable suffering into a most excellent affair in which you will delightedly anticipate every February.
One– Your wife has nagged and harassed you for ten years now. All day long, and even in your sleep, she blah, blah, blahs your ear off about all the things you never do for her. She makes you crazy. It is Valentine’s Day and even though the two of you do not get along and cannot stand the sight of each other, society expects you to give her a heartfelt gift and so does she. What better anti-Valentine’s Day gift than divorce papers? For you, it is sweeter than the finest chocolate and one size fits all.
Two- Many people prepare something special for their lover on Valentine’s Day. You, too, can take part in this annual ritual of “love baking” (funny play on words) by tweaking it somewhat and adding a repulsive twist of your own. Prepare your cookie dough as usual and roll it out. Using a large heart-shaped cookie cutter, score as many dough hearts as you need. After placing them on a cookie sheet, take a knife, a very, very sharp knife and cut the dough heart right down the middle. Bake your broken-hearted cookies until you feel better or until the smoke alarm goes off.
Three– Nothing will raise your anti-Valentine’s Day spirit as much or bother others around you more emotionally, than this creative tip. Make a reservation for two at the fanciest restaurant you have available…travel if you have to. Of course, you are going to show up alone (duh) and wait patiently for your sweetheart (who does not exist) while enjoying a whole bottle of wine (yay) all to yourself. Restaurant personnel will feel so bad after awhile; they will turn off the romantic Italian music and put ESPN on for you. You just might start a new tradition here.
Four– There may be no better time than an anti-Valentine’s Day celebration to introduce people to each other. You might as well bring your boyfriend home to meet your husband and whoever gives you the hardest time…leave him!
Five- The ultimate in an anti-Valentine’s Day activity is nauseating so if you are among those who truly hate this day of romance; this is for you. You have your eye on someone you are interested in despite your hate for the Valentine’s Day love fest. Ask her out on that special day anyway; take her to the local clam shack for one unromantic dinner, which you share; then take her home to watch your favorite porn movies. I guarantee you will never see her again, but you will satisfy your need to rise up in the anti-Valentine’s Day rebellion.