Valentine’s Day sucks. It’s a made-up holiday manufactured by card companies and jewelry stores to exploit the love we have for our significant others. Or, if you are single like I am, Valentine’s Day is just another reminder of how pathetic you really are.
While I usually just ignore the holiday, I do have five ways to celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day guaranteed to squelch the misery building inside that threatens to boil over into a psych… Never mind. Just read my list.
Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day by singing ridiculous songs.
Who doesn’t know the lyrics to the childhood song, “Nobody loves me”. You don’t? Well here goes: “Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I think I’ll go eat worms! Big fat juicy ones. Eensie, weensie, teensie ones. See how they wiggle and squirm!”
Singing the worm song all day long at the top of your lungs is a perfect way to celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day. At any rate, the general public will think you are certifiably insane and steer clear of you.
Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day by mourning your lost love.
If you are alone and lonely like I am, host a funeral for your lost love this Anti-Valentine’s Day. Call out from work and make sure you tell your boss you have a funeral to attend. Dress head to toe in black and invite all your closest friends (or stuffed animals, whatever the case may be) to mourn the lack of love in your life.
Make sure the decor of your Anti-Valentine’s Day funeral matches the mood. Black roses, black balloons, and black lace are required. Serve open-faced Spam sandwiches and those little Cheez Whiz sandwiches with the green olive slices. Remember, the point is not to enjoy the occasion.
Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day by mocking the lovebirds.
Making fun of those in love may seem a bit cliche for an Anti-Valentine’s Day, but nothing warms my heart more than to mock those who are in love. Make sure to belittle the presents they received, or better yet, quote divorce statistics. Hey, if the judge at my wedding could jinx my marriage by quoting the divorce rates in North Dakota (true story), then it’s fair game on this Anti-Valentine’s Day.
Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day by sending Anti-Valentine’s Day cards.
I’m sure most of you came up with this idea for celebrating Anti-Valentine’s Day on your own, but I had to include it for those among us who aren’t hip to Anti-Valentine’s Day traditions.
Amuse yourself by sending everyone you know Anti-Valentine’s Day ecards. Several sites are now catering to the love-challenged, including Blue Mountain. Nothing says “I hate my life” more than an Anti-Valentine’s Day ecard depicting a dog defending it’s owner’s hurt feelings and attacking a couple in love. “Love bites” indeed.
Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day by indulging in some self lovin’.
If your heart can’t soar this February 14th, at least allow your nerve endings and endorphins fly. Guys, get out the Jergens hand lotion. Gals, break out fresh batteries. Spend the entire day in bed giving yourself the pleasure you know no one else can (or will) give you.