During the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I noticed something horrible going on. Something just didn’t seem right about many of the models, and I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Then it finally hit me: many of the super-thin models looked a little bit bigger than normal because they were wearing belly-button covering granny panties!
As hot as Karolina Kurkova and Marissa Miller are, even they don’t look quite as sexy in a pair of oversized, tummy-squeezing granny panties. I’m sure the Bridget Jones’s of the world are rejoicing, since now they feel that they will be able to shop at the popular lingerie store alongside teenage girls (what do they need lingerie for, anyway?) and twenty-somethings who drag their very embarrassed significant others along with them. But this is not where the travesty of granny panties ends.
Celebrities like Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Pamela Anderson, and Madonna seem to have an issue telling the difference between an oversized sweater or T-shirt and a dress. This used to be okay as long as you wore leggings or skin-tight jeans underneath, but now the stars have become a little sloppy, deciding that a pair of oversized underwear is coverage enough. In fact, on her reality special ‘Britney: For the Record’, Britney Spears gets in an argument while trying on clothes about whether or not the shirt she’s wearing is actually a shirt or a dress (although, in this instance, I’m not sure if Britney actually has any panties on underneath it), and Katy Perry seems to have made a habit about wearing silver and gold granny panties all by themselves. Add a corset top, and you look like a bizarre, unstylish version of Wonder Woman. But I guess when it comes to celebrities, we should just be amazed that she’s wearing panties at all.
The film ‘Zack and Miri Make a Porno’ references granny panties, but not in a fashionable way; rather, the granny panties are used as they are intended to be used: as a joke. Other granny panties travesties include disposable underwear, which are meant to be used in “panties emergencies”, though I’m not really sure what that means, and I don’t think I really want to know what kind of emergencies you would need those hideous, ultra-hygienic panties for.
For awhile I even thought the lovely Jennifer Aniston was wearing granny panties in her GQ photo shoot, but taking a second look, it appears her oversized underwear are actually men’s briefs (what a relief!), something her rival Angelina Jolie has done in the past (I’m sure she and Brad are having a good laugh about it).
Still, I wonder: will anyone ever make a really fashionable pair of granny panties? I know Spanx are in style, but they’re still really ugly. I guess if Victoria’s Secret can’t do it, no one can. Sorry, Ms. Jones!