Vice President Dick Cheney plans for retirement. Sort of.
(Washington, DC) After 40 years working in the politically radioactive environment of Washington politics, outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney is making plans for a second career as the first human to be used as a nuclear fuel rod.
Originally Cheney had plans to settle down at his ranch in Casper, Wyoming. But when the Nuclear Energy Institute approached Cheney last week with a proposition to delay retirement to take on a position as the first human nuclear fuel rod to be used at the nation’s nuclear reactors, Cheney simply could not turn down the offer. “I’ll be transported by secure rail from point to point across the country,” Cheney related. “Where I can give off my particular brand of dark energy as a service to our country.”
The next few years could be a busy time for Vice President Cheney. According to the Nuclear Energy Institute there are more than 100 nuclear power plants in the United States. Cheney will be visiting them all in his role as human nuclear fuel rod. It is a role Cheney should relish. He is a long time supporter of nuclear power which he sees as the cheapest alternative to energy development. “It’s nice to know I’ll be able to contribute in some way to America’s future. And I think this job will give me a nice, healthy glow.” Cheney then coughed up a chunk of the namby pamby liberal journalist he had just eaten with butter and syrup for breakfast.
When Cheney is done with his work as a nuclear fuel rod, he may be used in other fields of science as well. Cheney has been approached by the University of Chicago’s Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Batavia, IL. to participate in the first ever attempt to create a black hole.
Former Fermi director Leon Lederman acknowledged the potential significance of the former VP’s role in the scientific experiment. “As the first ever human fuel rod, Cheney represents a potentially vital link between human energy and dark energy, particularly black holes,” Lederman notes.
“We all know Cheney’s policymaking resulted in a lot of dark energy. And we all know his office functioned like a political black hole. Policies that went in that door never came back out. We think Mr. Cheney might be a potential key to unlocking great scientific mysteries like black holes and worm holes. Things like that. Plus we think he’ll look really natty in one of our snappy white scientist uniforms before we shoot him full of holes with our tevatron Quark gun. We just hope he doesn’t try to shoot us first.”
When contacted about the outgoing Vice President’s planned role as first human nuclear fuel rod, President-Elect Barack Obama shook his head in disappointment. “We were hoping to encase him in cement and bury him in a mountain in Nevada. He’s far too dangerous to be out roaming around the country. But if he feels this is his mission in life, something that can give the nation hope in these arduous times, I support his decision hopefully. Live the Dream, America. Hope. Audacity. This is a total audacious thing. Peace out”