It is the Friday after Thanksgiving, and you are feeling lethargic from the day prior’s gorging, and you are already sick of snacking on the leftovers. Half of the carcass of that gargantuan farm-raised turkey is sitting waiting… waiting… for you to do something with it. Here are five suggestions for what to do with that leftover turkey.
1. Take it shopping. That’s right, take the skeletal remains with you to the mall or local Big Box Shopping Zone of Death.
“Why would I take this thing shopping?” you ask.
Have you ever looked at those bones? Seriously, you have a major covert weapon in your hands, capable of inflicting major laceration injuries with a well-aimed slice of your hand. Those drumsticks make mighty fine bashing instruments, too, and there is some certainty that you could bash many a skull while asserting your rights to be first to obtain that Street Hooker Suzie doll at 30% off. A big bonus is that this Weapon of Avian Destruction would pass straight through metal detectors.
Or, if violence isn’t your thing, wrap it up in plastic wrap and a blanket, and pretend it is a baby in the making when you stuff it under your shirt. Pregnant women get quite a bit more respect and maneuvering room than a normal civilian does, and this might get you a jump in the line to get out of the cold.
Guys, this one won’t work for you so well, unless you shaved REALLY close that morning.
If all else fails, you can use the entire bird as a cannonball to clear a path.
2. Feed it to the Neighbors. If you forgot to refrigerate that bird, you potentially have some major health issues coming into play. The remains have become a Salmonella playground and smorgasbord.
Nearly everyone can safely say that they have at least ONE neighbor who, through that neighbor’s acts or those of their dog, deserve a special gift that keeps on giving. A day of explosive diarrhea might just be the ticket. Or, maybe just feed a little to the dog.
WARNING: Do NOT feed it to the dog if the neighbor is likely to beat the poor beast for its involuntary bodily functions. None of us should promote cruelty to animals.
3. Play Dress Up. Oh, come on, we have ALL seen those cutesy pictures floating the internet of how people dress up their dog, cat, and other pets. Well, now you can, too!
Sure, Polly needs a few hundred crackers to flesh him out again, what with all those rib bones showing. But Tim Burton and Stephen King will be proud of you. Who knows, maybe you will get a movie or book deal out of it.
Once you have it all dressed up, use your bird as a little meat puppet, and maybe try a Jeff Dunham routine with it. Maybe he’ll buy your idea from you. Or you’ll get a Christmas Special on NBC. Just think of the possibilities, once you have posted a video online of the entire macabre event.
Is that David Letterman calling?
4. Send it to Dave Barry or another media celebrity. This is from left field, but Dave Barry is the MASTER of the bizarre twisted thought, and the column he would write as a result of receiving a semi-consumed turkey carcass would be hilarious! He likes yams and sweet corn, too.
Or maybe send it to David Letterman. It doesn’t matter who it is, really, just choose your favorite personage who might mention your name in their column or television show. Everyone deserves fifteen minutes of fame.
Be sure to TIGHTLY WRAP or BAG the bird for shipping, the USPS frowns on leakage onto other parcels.
5. Eat It All At One Sitting. Yes, there IS that option, too.
Be sure to eat the bones, it gives you an excuse to call in sick from the hospital Monday morning.