I have to admit that I am not the slimmest fellow on the block. While I am not so large that I require cranes to hoist my massive frame from my house, I do fall squarely in that dreaded overweight category. Every year I resolve to lose the girth, and I do manage to lose a bit of the bulk. However, much like the Germans in World War II, I always lose the battle of the bulge.
This year will prove to be a turning point in my fatwa on fat. I have prepared a list of five ways that will help keep the fat off my frame. Feel free to use and adapt these methods to your own resolution.
1. Speak softly and give your friends a big stick. Seriously, I plan on handing my friends sticks to swat my hands every time I approach a Snickers bar. Not only is this an aggressive form of aversion therapy, but it also will eventually bruise you enough that you will be unable to grasp your preferred snack.
2. Clear the pantry. I have to believe there is a common attribute for me and my slightly portly brethren: the need to graze in the ripe fields of the pantry. The solution will be to clear it out. Leave only the following items: One loaf of whole grain bread, one can of chicken soup, and a package of paper plates. The bread can be used to make healthy sandwiches and the soup can act as a free weight as well as a meal. The paper plates are simply for convenience, although they may be used as additional sustenance if you become desperate.
3. Use the local library. While you could use the library to find books on exercise or healthy weight loss, I recommend using it as a source of free weights. Simply load up your backpack with the heaviest tomes you can carry and stroll home. This method will provide a cardiovascular workout as well as strength training. Additionally, everyone will think you are brilliant as you repeatedly lug home every volume of the encyclopedia. If you are like me and the nearest library is ten miles away, you should be in top shape in no time.
4. Reward yourself. I know as soon as I lose these pesky twenty pounds, I plan on taking the family on a dream vacation. No expense will be spared as we spend a week in opulence beyond compare. Of course, as I am not able to finance this type of spending, I will arrive home to bills that must be paid. The second and third jobs required to pay the bills will distract me from the pesky eating that led to my largeness. In the end, I will not only keep the weight off, but I will also stimulate the economy. America and I both win!
5. Join a support group. If I really want to lose the weight, I will need more support than my stick-wielding friends. I would say a group like Weight Watchers or Overeaters Anonymous. Be careful that you don’t enter the wrong support group. If your reading comprehension is limited, you may end up selling Amway instead of losing weight.
Good luck in your resolutions. May your friends be kind and carry sticks of only soft wood.
