Christmas toast, and Star Wars. They go together like Sarah Palin, a profound understanding of the complexities of socialism, and Einstein’s theory of relativity. Remember the Star Wars Christmas Special? No? Well, if you must watch the Star Wars Christmas Special then keep this in mind: the only way to really get through it all and not want to kill yourself by the end is by watching the special while listening to one of Mike Nelson’s Rifftracks made expecially for the Star Wars Christmas Special.
The Darth Vader toaster is not quite the ultimate Christmas gift for the Star Wars fan, but it is the ultimate gift for the Star Wars fan who really enjoys a good piece of toast. As Nacho Libre can tell you, sharing toast can be the pathway to romance unless, of course, you are in love with a nun. The Darth Vader toaster could definitely have been improved by, well, you know: making it actually look like Darth Vader’s penis-like helmet. Even without actually looking like Darth Vader’s ultimate come-on helmet, the Darth Vader toaster is pretty cool looking. It’s sleek black plastic styling reminds one of exactly why Darth Vader is one of the all time favorite movie heroes ever: he’s responsible for the painful deaths of even more people than Dick Cheney.
But it is the product of the Darth Vader toaster that makes this a terrific Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa or December birthday present for anyone who actually knows the name of that blue freak who is always hanging around Jabba the Hutt. (Aside: I once lived in an apartment complex in Smyrna, Georgia at which Jabba’s sister, Sammy the Hutt, was the manager. I’m not kidding. She was both obese and evil.) The real reason why the Darth Vader toaster is so cool is that when the bread pops up all warm and toasty it arrives with an image of Darth Vader burned into it! Ever seen those pieces of toast that people claim are images of (Renaissance portraiture) Jesus? Or the Virgin Mary? Or Regis Philbin? Forget about them. The image of Darth Vader burned into toast is unlike any image of Jesus ever seen in a piece of toast. For one thing, nobody knows what Jesus looked like so you no one could possibly ever actually determine that an image of Jesus is that of the Lord and Savior of Christians.
The upshot is that image of Darth Vader on the toast produced by the Darth Vader toaster is incredibly detailed. And really, when you think about it, what could possibly be more attuned to the spirit of Christmas than slavering some Waffle House butter that you swiped at your last visit over the face of the third most evil figure in the universe?
Check it out here.