When you are pregnant you hear all the stories how this child is going to change your life forever. The night sleep you use to get will no longer be the same. Those little “me” times that you had throughout your day will now be packed with cleaning bottles or picking up toys. How your life comes second to the little angel who is not permanently attached to your hip and many, many more scenarios. I was fully prepared in knowing I was going to be a different person then I use to be and never once complained about those endless nights or never ending diaper changes. I had this great bundle of joy that no matter how tired I was, I always had the energy to roll around on the floor with him. I enjoyed the being adventure of motherhood and was very thankful that I was blessed enough to experience the moments that were going on. Then something happened that no mother should have to face while trying to raise children.
When my son was 2 my brother was killed. It happened so suddenly that it took my whole family by surprise and it turned my whole world upside down. With all the things going on with being a mom of a two year old I had to deal with the loss of my brother, holding my parents spirits together and just trying to make it through the days after it happened.
Then, less then a year later my father passed away due to cancer. You have to begin to wonder how you are going to go through another grieving process while you are still going through the first one and on top of it all there was my little buddy who I couldn’t deny the best mommy that I could be. He never asked for this like none of us did so why should he have to suffer and not have the best childhood a little boy could ask for even if his mother was in so much pain that it hurt to look at him and not cry. Every time I looked at my son it reminded me of my brother and dad wouldn’t be around to see my son start school, finally become potty trained or even play in the best basketball game of his entire life. My heart ached and my eyes stayed swollen for a long long time after both of their deaths. Even to this day I have my moments of grieving for both of them because it hurts not having them around. However, like I said I couldn’t let my son’s childhood suffer because what I had to go through.
About a six months after my dad passed my son and I were in the car heading to the store. From the back seat window my son was looking out into the beautiful sky that day. The clouds were extra puffy and extremely white. Something that you would only see in a painting. My son asked me that day is his paw-paw and uncle were in heaven, and of course I said yes. He began to tell me that he knew I would say yes because he could see them in heaven. He told me that they were both sitting on a cloud that day waving to him and blowing him kisses. My son at that moment told me “mommy, you know everything is going to be OK, because when you are hurting I will just look up to heaven in the clouds and tell Paw-Paw and Uncle David that you need them to blow you a kiss.” At that moment and even to this day when I think about that moment it reminds me how much kids know when you need the right thing said to them. That day changed how I thought parenting would be because for the longest time I thought my son was always going to need me to be the only one teaching him things and it turned out that day my son actually taught me something. He went from the child to the parent in less then one minute with the best uplifting comment anyone could of ever gave me during that time of my life. I am not sure if he really saw his Paw-Paw or Uncle David that day and if they were waving and blowing him kisses, but I am going to believe he did because that was something that was meant to be that day and I don’t want to question why he would ever say what he would did. It was a miracle and a blessing that my son was my rock that day.
