1. I will not pick my nose in public. Ever get that hard painful boogie that just won’t come out? You flex your nostrils. You try to blow it out but lo! and behold that boogie ain’t budging! No matter where you are when this happens, you stick a finger up there. Nothing like looking over at the car next to you while stuck in traffic, and watching Bubba pick his nose and wipe it under the steering wheel. Folks, at least keep a tissue handy. Blow the boogie into the tissue!
2. I will not park my automobile on the front lawn. Ever pass a person’s house that has three or four cars parked on the front lawn. Why is that? Is that sort of like handicapped parking, short of actually driving the car through the front of the house and parking it in the living room? Perhaps this is what is meant by going to the drive-in.
3. I will not practice any form of road rage. So you got into an accident, some jerk cut you off on the road. What next? Instead of getting out of the car and telling the unsuspecting doofus that he’s got sh*t for brains or telling him to f*ck off, get out of your car and say, “I’m sorry. I seem to have been temporarily invisible, and was wondering if you were ok.” Note: This sort of politeness doesn’t work in New York or New Jersey.
4. I will make sure I have my teeth in when I sing karaoke. This guy walked into karaoke one night and had seemed to forget that he left his teeth back home (he was from North Carolina). He not only sounded like Elmer Fudd with emphysema, but we kept singing “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.” Lucky for us he was drunk and didn’t hear us. Someone said he must’ve liquefied his teeth from all that alcohol and swallowed them.
5. When I fart, I will not make it known. No, instead I will just fan it. This way it smells like it came from the guy next to me, and they will throw him out of the bar.
6. I will make sure my pants cover my buttcrack. Nothing is so distasteful as to see someone with a perpetual buttcrack! You know it never ends. It goes from the top of their back all the way down to their feet. When they fart, their buttcheeks flap like wings. Sometimes they get toilet paper stuck in there. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female COVER THAT HEINIE! It makes me want to put a quarter in there, but I truly don’t want to even delve into that territory.
7. I will pronounce words properly. Ever ask a guy a simple question like “Where are you from?” and get something like this for a reply ” ‘m fro Geor’ia” or “I fro Nyor (that’s New York).” “How old are you?” “ten-ee nye (29)” I don’t know whether this only happens in America or if this is a global problem.
8. I will not pretend to be patriotic, especially when I don’t know what the word means. There is always one farthead in the crowd who pledges allegiance to our flag, and then asks why he just did that? There’s always one moron who doesn’t get why we celebrate Memorial Day and other holidays. There’s always one imbecile who thinks that July 4 is the day Tom Cruise was born and that there is no other significance to this holiday, and as soon as you say vote for this one or vote for that one, he says I will, to both parties. Or if you say “Viva La Revolution” he thinks it’s a song by Elvis and does his best to support your cause by gyrating his hips . When asked what “patriotic” means to him, he will claim “I’m here supporting my friend Pat,” even if he doesn’t have a friend named Pat.
9. I will aim FOR the toilet. This is a disturbing trend, and sadly not from men, but from women. Either sit on the farking toilet or use the men’s room! Don’t pee or poop all over the place and then expect someone else to use the toilet after you. At least have the decency to clean up after your explosion. If you enter the bathroom and see flies and dung beetles, you know you’ve entered the Stink Zone. (play creepy music here.)
10. I will not light my farts on fire. While this is very amusing (heck I’m even laughing now), farts DO light on fire, and can cause serious injuries. The least of your problems is burning your ass hair off. The worst of your problems is you blow yourself a new anus and/or actually take off, sending yourself into orbit.