So, you are happily married to the man or woman of your dreams, but your sex life is not, shall we say, as prevalent as you would like. Before we move on, let’s take a look at some cold statistical information. According to studies and surveys the average American couple has sex 1.9 times per week. The sex, on average, lasts a total of 7.3 minutes, this is including foreplay. That comes to a grand total of 13.87 minutes per week spent having sex. Not happy with that number? Let’s look at it a little closer. The average man will achieve orgasm approximately 2 minutes after penetration. If all these numbers are true, this would mean the average American couple spends approximately 5 minutes on foreplay, or a total of 10 minutes a week. To put it simply, gentlemen, you should be ashamed.
Yes, I am blaming the men for one simple reason. I find it hard if not impossible to believe the average woman would not like to spend a ‘little’ more time on foreplay. When you consider those same studies show woman take an average of 15 to 18 minutes of stimulation to achieve orgasm, there are a lot of women left wanting. While men need to be willing to spend a little more time on foreplay and realize the pleasures it has to offer, both partners can be involved in making your sex life more interesting, and perhaps make it happen a little more often.
If you are having performance problems, there could be several reasons. In one instance 65% of couples experiencing problems found their sex life improved considerably by introducing sex education videos into their routine. This is not porn, at least not in the traditional sense. In most cases porn is not a good tool for couples experiencing problems and is not that helpful or beneficial to couples with a healthy sex life. The sex education videos can show you how to do things in a better way. Many are very graphic and show what to do in great detail, so be certain this is something you and your partner are both comfortable with. Other performance problems can be more serious and a check up with your doctor may be advised. Many men do not realize that erectile dysfunction is a circulatory problem and can be a warning sign of heart disease. Talk to your doctor.
So, how do you spice up your sex life? There are many options available, including sexy outfits, sex toys and various ideas such as bondage and role playing. For the most part, few of these are for the average couple. These aside, there are many other things you can try to help make things more interesting. Here are just a few;
– Have sex somewhere besides the bedroom – The bed is great, but the kitchen table can be fun too, as can the sofa, or the hot tub. If you live in a rural area you might try sex under the stars, or with a full moon.
– Take risks – If there are other people in the house (other than children) or if you are in a hotel room, don’t worry about being quiet. Take the chance of being heard. You’re married, its okay to be having sex, and it can be exciting to think others might be listening in.
– Plan positions – Plan to try a minimum of three different positions during your next love making session. Get together with your partner and decide which positions you must use, and then a couple of alternates. Make certain you work in all the ‘required’ positions, and as many alternates as possible. You don’t want to make these kinds of plans or restrictions on a regular basis or it becomes more work than play, but forcing yourself to try something new from time to time can be very rewarding.
– Sexy Messages – during the day send your partner a sexy or provocative email or text message. Build the anticipation for the events to come. If feeling extremely risqué, you can even send photos, but be careful, you don’t want photos drifting off into the wrong hands, or email folders. By letting your partner know you are in the mood, the sexual experience can actually be enjoyed throughout the day. Not comfortable sending messages? Then develop your own code so even if someone else reads it, they won’t have a clue what you are talking about.
– Don’t be afraid to experiment – If there is something you want to try, speak up. Communicate with your partner about what it is you want or need. It may turn out your partner likes the idea, or had the same idea but hadn’t said anything. The key to a good sex life is communication. Talk to each other, tell your partner what you like, and listen when they tell you what they like. You won’t always be on the same page, but you may find you are closer than you think.
– Welcome home – Ladies, you might want to consider sending the kids to grandma’s house for the evening, then let your man find you cooking him dinner with nothing but your apron on. Or perhaps great him at the door wearing even less. Just be sure it is your husband at the door and not the UPS man.
– Little things – Gentlemen, when is the last time you brought home flowers or a card when it wasn’t a special occasion? (or when you were in trouble?) Times are hard, but a single flower or a simple card every now and then is not very expensive and can mean a great deal. If you can afford it, have the flowers delivered. This is especially nice if she works and all of her co-workers see her get flowers for no reason other than to say you were thinking of her. You do it because you love her, but you never know, she may just great you at the door that evening to say thank you.
– Date nights – You both work, the kids have school work, baseball, soccer, and there are those ever present house chores. As important as these are, they are no more important than the two of you making time for each other. Make time for a night alone at least once a month. Get someone to keep the kids, or have them sleepover at friends. You don’t have to go out, or spend a lot of money, just spend time together without all the normal distractions of the day. The night may consist of nothing more than sitting together on the porch, but it will be time well spent, both for your relationship, and your overall physical health.
– Need more reasons to have sex? – People who have a more active sex life tend to be in better health and live longer. Sex is known to be a natural anti-depressant, better than drugs or alcohol. People who enjoy sex are calmer and overall happier people. (Okay, that last one should have been obvious.)
Guys, be willing to spend more time on foreplay. Women, don’t be afraid to tell your man what you like (or dislike). In his studies, Kinsey found that 64% of women do not like to perform oral sex. Conversely, 70% or more like to receive oral sex. Suzi Goodson, author of “The Sex Book” writes that most women find it easier to experience orgasms through oral sex than through intercourse. This said, few women will relax and anticipate an orgasm during oral sex because they do not believe the man will stay the course long enough to allow it to happen. Gentlemen, have you ever heard of unselfish love? Stay the course! If she is enjoying it and doesn’t indicate she wants you to stop, then don’t. There are several things you need to remember when performing oral sex. First, wetter is better. Secondly, if she tells you to ‘not stop’ then for heaven’s sake, don’t! Lastly, if you can tell she is about to have an orgasm that is not the time to try something new, or to change what you are doing. Obviously you are doing something right, so save the new stuff for next time and let her enjoy the moment.
Caressing, massage, cuddling, and kissing (lots of kissing) are great ways to extend foreplay. Let your partner know you are interested in more than just pleasing yourself. Let them know their pleasure is at least if not more important than your own. There are occasions when a ‘quickie’ is all you have time for, but these should be limited to say, when company will be there is six minutes and you left the front door unlocked for them and you are doing it on the living room floor (very exciting, but dangerous). Never should you decide you are in the mood and five minutes later the event be over and done with. People, on average we are talking about 7.3 minutes per sexual encounter. If you spend just ten minutes more on foreplay, cuddling, or rubbing scented oil on your partner you have more than doubled your sex time. In 7.3 minutes you have only enough time for the physical act of sex. Take your time, enjoy being together and enjoy the pleasure you can bring one another. Keep it interesting, keep it fun, and keep it loving.
“Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” – Kinsey
“She comes first: the thinking mans guide to pleasuring a woman” – Kerner
“The Sex Book” – Goodson
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services