Every autumn, complete strangers stop me on the street and ask me questions about Thanksgiving. Fortunately, I am one of the world’s foremost authorities on the history of what is fast becoming America’s favorite late November Thursday holiday. As a service to you, I would like to take this time to make up answers to some of the most often asked questions about Thanksgiving.
What does the word “Thanksgiving” mean?
The word “Thanksgiving” comes from the English word “Thanksgiving,” meaning: Fill your pie-hole with massive quantities of food stuffed with other food, drink a gallon of wine, lay back in a recliner, fall into a coma while watching another meaningless football game, and gag after waking up to the foul odor of your own turkey farts.
Who invented Thanksgiving?
The story of the first Thanksgiving is quite inspiring. The holiday was invented by a handful of Pilgrims and Indians who were bored one Thursday afternoon. One of the Pilgrims suggested that they kill a turkey, stuff it with dressing, cook it at 325 degrees for 6 hours (15 minutes per pound), baste the bird occasionally to keep it moist, and then sit down at a large table together and feast on the wonderful meal. Afterwards, the Indians passed a peace pipe around the table and everyone took turns talking about what they were thankful for. The next day, the Pilgrims killed all the Indians and took their land.
Why was turkey and dressing chosen as the official Thanksgiving meal?
Unfortunately, pizza had not yet been invented. Otherwise, Thanksgiving meal preparation would probably consist of little more than calling Pizza Hut.
I heard that Canada celebrates Thanksgiving in October. What’s up with that?
Canadians are stupid.
Do any other countries celebrate Thanksgiving?
No. Most countries don’t have enough food to stick inside other food.
Is Thanksgiving just about eating?
No, it is also about drinking way too much wine, standing up at the dinner table, looking Dad straight in the eye, and blurting out that you are gay.
Why doesn’t Uncle Phil get invited to Thanksgiving dinner anymore?
Because we caught him stuffing the turkey.
If Thanksgiving had never been invented, wouldn’t we be overrun by turkeys?
Yes, and cans of cranberry sauce too.
What’s up with pumpkin pie? Do people really eat that crap?
Pumpkin pie is to Thanksgiving what fruit cake is to Christmas. A dessert people would never be dumb enough to eat more than once a year.
What’s the difference between yams and sweet potatoes?
I could go on for pages detailing the differences between these two popular Thanksgiving staples. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, I will simply play dumb and say that I have no goddamn idea.
What is that stuff in turkey that makes me so sleepy?
Turkey contains tryptophan, which comes from the Latin “trypto,” meaning: trypto; and “phan” meaning: phan. Thus, “tryptophan,” meaning: That stuff in turkey that makes you so sleepy.
Do any of our elected officials see the cruel irony in pardoning a turkey each Thanksgiving while our country continues to see nothing wrong with executing humans?
You seem like a really nice, young fella. I don’t have any plans for Thanksgiving and I would hate to spend the holiday alone. Can I come to your house for Thanksgiving dinner?
Nice try Uncle Phil, but no.