People are really uncomfortable with their bodies, and I’ve noticed that their Myspace profile pictures tend to reflect that. Here’s a look at the four worst kinds of common Myspace profile pictures that you’ll see.
1. The Blurry, Off-Center Emo Kid – This is a really common one. Emo kids want to appear deep, so they take blurry, off center pictures for their Myspace. This doesn’t make you look deep. It makes you look like you don’t know how to use a camera. Seriously, give a monkey a camera, and one out of every ten shots will be a perfectly on-center shot of said monkey (although he may be doing things that disgust you). There’s no way you’re that dumb around basic technology like a camera, yet you still have the technical knowledge to outfit your profile in dark black with a perpetual loop of The Cure songs playing.
2. The Misleading Camera Angle – If you’re a fat person, you’ve got a few options: be OK with yourself, lose a little bit of weight, or take your camera and post pictures of yourself at the oddest possible angles, so that, at least on your MySpace profile, you appear to be of average weight.
My problem with this is that it’s simply dishonest, and there’s no need for it–it’s the Internet. Everyone’s on it. If you’re trying to attract a boyfriend or girlfriend on your Myspace page, it doesn’t really matter what you look like, there are enough people on the Internet that you’ll eventually find someone. Mellow out and put up a picture of yourself eating a huge hot dog and not caring what the world thinks. It’s a better life, and you’ll spend less time trying to position a webcam to hide your extra chins.
3. The Several People In-Frame Picture – Usually, this profile picture consists of about three or four attractive people, and one average looking person. The average looking person tends to be the person that owns the Myspace profile. They aren’t trying to trick you into thinking that they’re one of their more attractive friends, but they are trying to boost their self esteem by putting the picture up–“we’re all equally hot!” they say, drowning their tears with handful after handful of Orville Redenbacher and about 1,000 pictures of LOLcats.
4. The Shirtless Dude With His Car – There is no way in the world that you somehow took a candid shot with your shirt off, right in front of your ’02 half-ass police auction Jaguar. That means that you planned this picture, and that means that you are pathetic and have odd ideas about what it means to be a man. The female equivalent to the Shirtless Dude With Car picture, by the way, is any picture of a girl in her underwear. Don’t act like you didn’t know that there’s no privacy on the Internet–you’re trying to appeal to the most basic element of humanity (the thingies), and you need to reevaluate where your life is going before you end up with a child that doesn’t like you and stretch marks the size of tire treads.
Have any other bad Myspace profile pic cliches to add? Post in the comments section below.