Due to my reputation as a theological expert, confused worshipers turn to me all the time for answers to their most pressing questions about religion. One of the areas in which many seem most interested is the life of Jesus Christ, and in particular, those dudes known as The Apostles. As a service to any of you unfamiliar with The Lord’s 12-headed band of crazy followers, I have compiled and answered below some of the most often asked questions about these mysterious fellows. After reading this, you will undoubtedly wonder what the hell Jesus was thinking.
John. Straight or gay?
As far as we know, there were no homosexuals among the Apostles. Nevertheless, in the painting of The Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci, the “dude” with the long, flowing hair sitting next to Jesus is supposedly John. Author Dan Brown claims in his book The da Vinci Code, however, that John is actually Mary Freakin’ Magdalene! Rule of thumb: When folks are confusing you with a whore, you may be gay.
Is it true that there were hazing rituals among the Apostles?
Yes. Despite the fact that Jesus frowned upon it, each new Apostle was required to go through various hazing rituals to show that he was worthy of being part of Christ’s posse. Among the requirements were prank phone calls to King Herod (“Please hold for a long distance call from Caesar Augustus”) and enormous deliveries of unsolicited lumber from Home Depot to Jesus’ step-dad (“Enough with the building already!” an angered Mary would admonish poor Joseph. “Have you seen our credit card bills lately?”) .
Two of the Apostles’ names were Simon and Thaddeus (the guys all called him “Theodore”). Where was Alvin?
Alvin was by far the most mischievous of the three chipmunks. His unruly behavior was undoubtedly due to the fact that he was an atheist, which obviously made him ineligible for Apostlehood. After his two cohorts were accepted into The Twelve, Alvin went on to a failed solo career sadly ending in a drug overdose.
There were two Apostles named James. Didn’t that cause some confusion?
To differentiate between the two, the older James was referred to as “James the Major” and the younger one was called “James the Minor.” This worked fine until the night of Bartholomew’s bachelor party when, with three empty kegs, Judas sent the wrong James out to do a beer run. Jesus was less than happy when he had to bail James the Minor out of jail for underage drinking. Thus began more effective naming procedures and an over-21 Apostle hiring policy.
Tell me about Thomas. Why was he called “Doubting Thomas”?
Jesus’ most skeptical Apostle was Thomas, and because of that, the Lord often consulted him before attempting some of his more difficult miracles. It is believed that once Thomas said it would be “a piece of cake,” Jesus confidently made his first stroll on water. When Christ told Thomas of his plan to do a 360 slam-dunk over Muhammad at the annual Prophets Roundball Classic, the Apostle, well aware of The Savior’s limited athletic ability, warned him, “You’ll fall on your ass!” And so instead Jesus settled for an easy layup.
I heard there were more than twelve Apostles. Is that true?
Actually, there have been a number of fellows over the years who have, at one time or another, been a part of Jesus’ little band of brothers. Among them: Sneezy and Dopey of Seven Dwarfs fame who claimed to have gotten their starts as Apostles but left after being enticed by the beauty and charm of Snow White. And who could blame them?
What kind of food was served at The Last Supper?
Biblical scholars have spent centuries trying to determine the exact menu from that fateful night. It seems fairly certain that a concoction similar to Hamburger Helper served as the main course, but there is purely conjecture as to the appetizers and dessert. Knowing what we do about the rowdy nature of the Apostles, it is reasonable to assume that Buffalo wings and beer were served by waitresses hired from the local Hooters restaurant. Naturally, there was plenty of wine and bread with the main course and it is believed that dessert was probably not, as you might guess, angel food cake, but rather the Lord’s favorite: Dilly Bars from Dairy Queen.
So what was Judases problem? Why did he betray Jesus?
As is normally the case in every fight between males, the falling out between Judas and Jesus was all over a particular woman. Mary Magdalene, a young beauty whose experimentation with drugs during her college years led to a career in prostitution, became captivated by Jesus after he wooed her with some of his water-to-wine miracles. Believing the whore was getting far too involved in their little circle, Judas warned the Lord that “we don’t need any of that Yoko Ono crap!”