United States President Barack Obama is a man of the people in many ways. We have located Obama’s unofficial 2009 New Year’s resolutions and are looking to share them with the American Public:
10 – Get personal finances in order.
I have made this resolution every year. I have made millions from book sales while earning roughly $500,000 in three years as a Senator. Michelle was also raking in the cash before the campaign – earning $317,000 from the University of Chicago and $51,200 as a director for Tree House Foods. 2006 and 2007 were good years. We made $1.5 million in 2006 and $4 million in 2007. Now, I am set to earn $400,000 as the President of the United States.
OK. Get the household budget squared away. Plan for retirement. Save money for college.
Wait a minute. I am the 44th President of the United States of America. I can retire to the speech making and fundraising circuit after this gig while Michelle can get onto any corporate board that she pleases. The kiddies will enroll at Harvard tuition free!
9 – Rearrange White House furniture.
Out with the old and in with the new. Maybe Michelle can handle this. I dunno. I am hoping that she does not have the place looking all girly and what not. She knows that I like basketball and the UNC Tar Heels are my favorite team. How about a 65 inch Sharp AQUOS 1080p flat-panel LCD…right over there!
Let’s get some secret service guys to handle this one. I am too cool to get dirty.
8 – Clean up Oval Office.
This W fellow left a real mess in here. I might need a full 8 years to clean up this place.
7 – Build Infrastructure
The infrastructure project will trump the work of Dwight Eisenhower’s Interstate Highway program. This is a once-in-a-generation movement. We must repair crumbling bridges, put computers into schools, and renovate government buildings with efficient green energy. Lastly, I shall initiate my plan to invest $150 billion in alternative energy technologies over the next ten years. This will be a boon to the United States economy.
I, Barack Obama, sound really Presidential right now.
6 – Bail out Detroit.
Preserve 1 – 5 million jobs and assist the decimated Midwest. Doing nothing will cost more than the $17.4 billion that has already been committed. Congress wants to appoint a “car czar” responsible for managing the Big Three – but I have indicated that I do not want the government to run companies. We have not done that very well.
5 – Fix the economy.
Detroit and infrastructure are part and parcel to this resolution. We must mitigate the fallout from foreclosure, support the reeling stock market, unlock the U.S. credit system, and create jobs. Today’s recession rivals that of the gruesome 1973-1974 era and we must ease the pain.
Do whatever it takes to restore the economy.
4 – Exercise.
3 – Stop Smoking.
I know, I know. I say this every year. You sound like my wife. Get off my case, all right.
Besides, all of America was checking me out when I hit the beach at Hawaii, anyway!
2 – Restore United States Confidence
This one is going to be a real toughie – just spare me the details, pal.
1 – Stay Cool.
If I actually really were Barack Obama – I would approve this message.