With the playoffs looming and Dallas not exactly looking like they will be in the picture, here are the Top 10 New Year’s resolutions for Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones.
Dallas lost another one this week to the Baltimore Ravens after allowing two 70 plus yard runs in the 4th quarter. After the game, owner Jerry Jones didn’t speak with the media. He instead offered up his list of 10 New Year’s Resolutions concerning himself and the Dallas Cowboys.
10) Buy a completely new football team– Jerry sort of did this already. But just like old Rawhide, it’s time to “head ’em up and move ’em out”. “We just don’t have the cattle that the other team has,” Jones said. “We’ve got a steer over here, a mad cow here, and a moo moo over there, what kind of milk do you think we’d get from that anyway?”
9) Get a new suit that looks like the other 30 suits he wears-Why not, we can just add one to the collection. “Don’t forget, I like blue, gray and a little blue and gray”
8) Give Terrell Owens a 30 million dollar bonus for keeping Cowboys in the news– Terrell Owens said immediately after hearing this “He’s our owner, man, sniff, sniff, He’s our owner. Ya’ll making fun of him, but he’s our owner, specially if he gives me 30M for catching 2.3 passes a game.”
7) Hire Limo Driver as the Director of Scouting-why not, he’s been helping pick up guys off the free agent wires for years!
6) Trade Romo for new hairpiece– We got our priorities don’t we? “Plus, Romo is 5-7 in December. What the hell kind of Christmas present is that for me?”
5) Bring Back Troy as QB1, see if Roger is interested in being backup-“The good ole days need to come back in Dallas. And those guys still can throw a ball, right? Who told me Wade Wilson was still in playing shape, anyhow??”
4) Make Wade Phillips wear the Tom Landry hat or fire him immediately-“Something bout not having that that hat that’s been haunting us for years.”
3) Move home games to Alaska so teams will be too cold to play football-“Ya’ll remember the Ice Bowl don’t ya, well we’re gonna make it the when hell freezes over bowl, because the visiting teams won’t be able to thaw out their jockstraps before they know what hit em.”
2) Play without a defense and hope opponents just turn the ball over- “Maybe if we snuck Romo into their offense for a few snaps, then we could get the ball back.”
1) Change franchise into a TV show based at Southfork. Make J.R. head coach- “Who shot J.R., anyway, things just haven’t been the same since then. We need a Dallas reunion show and if we can just get Bobby, Sue Ellen, J.R. and Cliff back then I think this thing can get turned around.”