Christmas comes but once a year. Unfortunately, it lasts for seven weeks straight, and some of us are already feigning interest by the time Cyber Monday rolls around. XMas-day is great once you finally get to it, but there’s a whole lot of holly and mistletoe to trudge through first. Here of are few annual carols that don’t make it any easier:
“Jingle Bells” – The Singing Dogs
Those who believe that everything happens for a reason are quick to forget the existence of this cup of canine cheer which remains a chart topper at Radio Disney Holiday Jams to this day, alongside The Chipmunks “Please Christmas Don’t be Late” and Los Del Rio’s “Macarena Christmas.” This was the track that started it all: The Singing Cats, The Clucking Hens, mass hysteria. Proof indeed that all is chaos; the center does not hold.
“Santa Baby” – Madonna
Merry XXXMas, one and all. What better time of the year to explain to your kids what really makes the world go round? The Material Girl outdid herself on this one, taking the original version’s burlesque tease to the next level. She probably had a camera hidden somewhere and has been sexually blackmailing Santa for years. Who’ll be next to feed on his secret weakness? We haven’t heard from Paris Hilton in a while.
“Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” – John Denver
Okay, I secretly love this one. Anyone with at least a little humbug in their heart has to take a secret pleasure in this baby, and the 24/7 holiday radio doesn’t play it nearly as often as it should. “I don’t wanna see my mumma cry.” And you know there’ll be some drunk pop out there crooning it to his long suffering family this holiday. File this one under funny ‘cuz it’s true.
“Christmas Shoes” – Newsong
The first time I heard this hypodermic shot of false sentimentality I thought it sounded like something you’d find in your email inexplicable forwarded to you by some relative twice removed, and it turned out I was right. What began as an internet phenomenon in the late 90’s was recorded for posterity by Newsong in 2000, and it’s been a favorite for the broken hearted ever since. Christmas Shoes chronicles the story of a young boy sent penniless to the shoe store to buy shoes for his dying mother so she can look pretty when she meets her maker. As the kid spills his guts in Payless to Al Bundy, the rest of the shoppers chip in to help pay for the shoes, including the braggart singing about it.
“Christmas Rap” – The Crypt Keeper
That’s right boils and ghouls, the pun dropping host of Tales From The Crypt tore himself off a bloody piece of Christmas meat at the height of his fame, laying down an entire album that was quickly and quietly forgotten. In this particular track, the Crypt Keeper reminds Santa that monsters celebrate the holidays too and itemizes the secret heart’s desire of each and every evil doer. To give you an idea of what we’re dealing with here, what does Freddy Kreuger want? A manicure. Yeah. I need to take a shower.
Well, that’s the worst of the worst in my opinion. A few that didn’t quite make the grade: Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time,” Band Aid’s “Do They Know it’s Christmas?,” and anything from the Star Wars Christmas album. Anyway, it’s the holiday season, so shut your eyes, grit your teeth, and it’ll all be over soon. The long, cold, lonely winter awaits.